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Document Title: lifeissues | Natural Family Planning and the Conjugal
Relationship


Natural Family Planning and the Conjugal Relationship Dr. Evelyn L.
Billings


"God's in his heaven, all's right with the world". These words come from
Robert Browning's poem "Pippa Passes". It is a poem that we probably all
know and the words have a cheerful ring. However, on further thought it
may seem that God is a long way from us, rather remote in His Heaven.
How then could things be all right with the world? There tends to be at
times a prevailing feeling particularly amongst the young that God gets
on with His affairs and we get on with ours. This point of view does not
always work for our happiness.


Constant Meeting of God with Man


Earth and Heaven must have a meeting place otherwise the concept of a
loving God makes no sense.

There is bountiful historical evidence of such meetings in the Old
Testament "Yahweh God fashioned man of dust from soil. Then he breathed
into his nostrils a breath of life and thus man became a living being."
And later in order that Adam should not be alone "Yahweh God built the
rib he had taken from the man into a woman and brought her to the man.
The man exclaimed,

'This at last is bone from my bones and flesh from my flesh! This is to
be called a woman for this was taken from man.' ".

It was not long before the man and his wife heard the sound of Yahweh
God walking in the garden in the cool of the day and they hid from
Yahweh God among the trees of the garden. Guilty of the primordial
disobedience they listened to the terms of the banishment given to them
by Yahweh. And so they left Eden and the Tree of Life was guarded by the
flame of a flashing sword. The first human beings on earth were in no
doubt as to who God was and in those days acknowledged His supremacy.
When Eve conceived and gave birth to Cain she said, "I have acquired a
man with the help of Yahweh".

There was another meeting. When Abraham was a hundred years old and his
wife Sarah was 90, she gave birth to Isaac. When this was foretold to
her she had laughed to herself, but Yahweh asked Abraham "Why did Sarah
laugh and say 'Am I really going to have a child now that I am old?' Is
anything too wonderful for Yahweh?" In those days the affairs of men
were acknowledged to be the affairs of God.

In what must have been a perplexing and agonizing moment in Abraham's
life, he was told by God to sacrifice his precious son. The order seemed
to negate God's promise that he should be the father of a great nation.
However, in an act of faith and obedience which overrode his natural
human love for Isaac, Abraham set about fulfilling God's request. His
knife-bearing hand was stayed but his act of faith remained as an
example down through the years of the Covenant of the Old Testament and
still remains today to remind us of the faithfulness of God who demands
faithfulness but who also loves more than the demands that He makes.

Later still there was another meeting when Moses came close to God in
the burning bush. He was told to go to Pharoah and to take the sons of
Israel out of Egypt. "I shall be with you" and "I shall help you to
speak and tell you what to say", was God's spoken assurance.

When we come to the New Testament we see in an even more vivid way how
God met His people in the Incarnation and in the elevation of a human
being, the woman, Mary, to the Divine Motherhood of God's Son. As the
human mother of the Second Person of the Trinity she became "Mother of
God". There never was such a meeting as this -- one which was to endure
in our hearts for all time.


An Act of Perfect Love


Humanity was created in beauty, perfection and vitality, endowed with
the gifts of intelligence, freedom of will and with love. So, coming
close to us in the Incarnation, Our Lord took His own unique human form
as we each take our own unique human forms. In that form and with those
human attributes that we share with Him in His human nature, He
subjected His kingly will with Divine and terrible clarity of foresight
to an ignominious, humiliating and excruciating death. In this He was
accepting our crime and misery and paying our debt with perfect love. In
this act He showed us how perfectly human nature could act. Our
wonderment is partly expressed in the words of the 17th century poet
Watts, when pondering the mystery of the Cross,

"Did 'ere such love and sorrow meet or thorns compose so rich a crown?"

When we seek the justification for such anguish as we meet Him in the
Crucifixion, we are told simply that the reason for this terrible
sacrifice was that "God so loved the world that He gave His only
begotten Son", in order that we should gain everlasting life. In His
humanity Christ gave His life as a supremely willing act of love. St
Ignatius caught the essence of this love at self-expense when he prayed;
asking that we, in our humanity, could learn to love in response to
crucified Love:

"Teach us to serve thee as thou deserves To give and not to count the
cost, To fight and not to heed the wounds, To toil and not to seek for
rest, To labour and not to ask for any reward, Save that of knowing that
we do Thy Holy will."

After the dreadful darkness of Calvary and the awesome Resurrection,
many people met Him again before He went back to His Father. How their
hearts burned within them as he talked with two of His disciples on the
road to Emmaus, and how inexpressible was their joy when they recognized
Him as He broke the bread, as if to assure them of all the subsequent
meetings He would have with humanity in future days, in the daily
Eucharist.

So God then did not stay remotely in His Heaven. Still He meets us in
the ordinary events of our day. It is in the realization of the role of
the Creator in the begetting of our children, that we come to understand
one way in which God meets human beings, in their beginnings and later
in their co-operation with him in the beginnings of others. The love
which is His spirit and His choicest gift enables us to love our
children at all cost and enables us to be sure that no matter how much
we love them, He loves them even more. In this lies our great hope.
Having made us custodians of His Love He has endowed us with its
tremendous power. Having bought us back so dearly, He will not want to
lose us again. It is in the enactment of our human love that God meets
us constantly.


Translating and Applying this Message of Love


How do we translate this powerful Christian message into the varied
lives of people of our times? How can we convey this message of love to
ordinary men and women in ordinary circumstances, faced with common
problems? How does it apply in the back seat of a car where there are
two starry-eyed teenagers imagining that they are in love? How can the
message be given to the girl who would in all blind faith and trust
invite this adolescent boy to take her virginity?  -- this boy who may
not have thought much further than the last erotic video he has seen,
when, urged on by his natural hormones, admirous of her beauty and
oblivious of her humanity, accepts her reckless invitation. Perhaps they
see no good reason for denying themselves or each other in the
excitement, fantasy and curiosity of the encounter.

The disillusionment both physical and emotional which so often follows,
leading maybe to pregnancy and in frenzied panic to the terrible
expediency of abortion, are bitter experiences. The abandonment of the
friendship, the loss of trust and subsequent reluctance to trust again
are severe costs to the girl. This young woman becomes a mother bereft
of child and self-esteem. The way back to health of mind and soul is
long and painful. The reason why she should have denied herself the
light-hearted adventure becomes painfully obvious. Somewhere in all the
pain and grief is a sense of loss which must be explained. The natural
urge of finding and cleaving eternally to the chosen one has become a
shattered dream -- something very precious which is gone. "Can it ever
be reclaimed?" she asks herself. She must be helped to see that it can.

How can the Christian message of love, which alone furnishes the
explanation, be applied? What does this have to do with natural family
planning? Simply this. It is not a technique designed solely for
avoiding conception or of choosing to conceive. It is a message of love
between man and woman which attends as much to the happiness of man and
woman as to that of the children. As such, it will prevail in the
constant struggle between good and evil in which all humanity is engaged
in the role of human procreation because for this it was designed.
Experience has shown that happiness is the outcome of this way of
living. This is the message of Pope Paul VI's Encyclical Humanae Vitae.

In creation which the Almighty God saw as good, He delighted in human
beings and endowed them with intelligence above the beasts, and this
intelligence would, in time, enable them to amass a vast amount of
knowledge and competence in reproductive science. He gave them the
privilege of continuing the human race themselves and the power to
accept or reject the privilege. He gave the animals only physical
instincts and laws of nature which they were obliged to obey -- dictated
by seasons, by tides of the sea and by food supplies conducive to the
sustenance of new life. To human beings He gave love so that they would
choose well, intelligently and in conformity with the Creator's will for
the sustenance of new human life.


Design of the Physical Act of Love


A physical act for initiating new life was created, designed to donate
genetic information from man to woman to form the instructions for
future development and growth and the energy necessary for this to take
place. This act of intercourse was to be subject to the Creator's will
because its generative outcome is governed by the patterns of fertility
and infertility which He had created in the woman. The act of
intercourse therefore was created as an act of love to include three
elements:

1. The reproductive-biological capacity.

2. The binding capacity of love between man, woman and child in which
the physical union between mother and father and the responsibility to
the child remain joined in a permanent commitment.

3. The spiritual element which acknowledges the Creators' will.

This act of creation was seen by God as good. Such was His faith in
human beings. It is for this reason that the natural control of
fertility engenders good for those who yield to its gentle disciplines.
The faith of God in man is not misplaced. Couples find strength in the
goodness of this natural regulation of birth and can see what is meant
by Our Lord's words, "My yoke is easy and my burden light". In
subjecting their will to the Creator's will in His discipline of
creative love they find an unexpected depth of love and peace in their
marriage.

In Dante's <em>Il Paradiso</em>, in his journeying through Paradise when
he talks with the Blessed, he experiences their all-pervading love. One
of these souls, Piccarda, explains the source of the soul's joy:
"Brother", she says, "our love has laid our wills to rest". And adds the
famous words which explain the essence of the soul's heavenly joy: "In
His will is our peace".

If it is possible to heap joy upon joy, then it is to be found in man
and woman experiencing at,the one time and together a human love for
each other and through their own wills the greater love wherein is
peace.

In the long discourse in the Gospel of St. John leading up to the
Passion, one of the things that Jesus said was, "My food is to do the
will of the one who sent me", and still talking to His disciples He
said, "As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; remain in my
love. If you keep my commandments you will remain in my love just as I
have kept my Father's commandments and remain in His love. I have told
you this so that my own joy may be in you and your joy be complete".

Later in His prayer to God the Father he affirmed: "I have loved them as
much as you loved me". The meeting of the man Jesus with God in the
Passion was a tremendous assurance of that love given for the rescue of
the entire sinful race. From this example we take our instructions, in
the practical means that we have of helping ordinary men and women. We
teach with love, in conformity with the teachings of the Church.

It is not for us who teach the Ovulation Method of natural family
planning to decide who is ready or who is fit to be taught. We teach
everybody. The ordinary couples, the adolescents, the sorrowful young
women often little more than children themselves whose babies have been
taken from them. These especially we love and help for if we do not what
void might engulf them!

This knowledge taught with love will work its own good in its own good
time as we have seen so often. It is not for us to predict that in this
case or that the method will not be properly applied no matter how
likely it may seem. We do not ever know the depth of human hearts. All
we know is that all are responsive to love, and that what they most need
is to be encouraged to try.

It is not necessary for teachers to pound the table laying down the law,
but they must know the law and follow it themselves. The light will
shine from them in their determination and patience in teaching, their
love for the baby, their refusal to criticize, accuse or blame, and in
their refusal to compromise and enter into a course of false compassion
when propositions are put forward to solve difficulties and objections
by contraception, sterilization or abortion.


Barrler Contraceptlon a Barrler to True Love


Sometimes couples resort to barrier contraception. There is a temptation
to regard this as relatively innocuous. The spurious argument, that it
is better than abortion, is used. The use of the condom in particular
has become more prevalent in latter times partly because of the
dissatisfaction with other artificial methods and also partly because of
the AIDS propaganda which seeks to present condoms as a preventive
against the virus. People foolishly suppose that if this is so, which it
is not, then it can prevent pregnancy which it cannot in a high
percentage of cases. Teachers must be absolutely firm in their view of
barrier contraception. Quite apart from the considerable unreliability
of the barrier methods in preventing pregnancy, there are other
important aspects of the practice to be considered.

On a practical level, use of barriers confuses the natural observations
by stimulating secretions which prevent a clear identification of the
beginning and end of the fertile phase. There is moreover a
psychological and philosophical reason for avoiding barrier
contraception. The three reasons for adopting artificial methods are:

1. Fear of pregnancy, and fear to trust oneself or one's spouse.

2. A desire for freedom for intercourse at any time.

3. Lack of knowledge upon which to base a good decision.

Fear of pregnancy has a complicated background. The baby is often
presented as undesirable in the individual lives of a couple because of
its economic and personal demands. Particularly is this so amongst women
who wish to set a career before family. It must be recognized that
sometimes the fear is well justified, for example, the mother's
ill-health, or in some of the least-affluent parts of the world where
parents are unable to feed their children and see them dying of hunger.
These problems have solutions other than preventing or disposing of
babies. Poor health and poverty need solidarity, co-operation and love
to mitigate the effects of these problems.

Under ordinary, normal circumstances reluctance to accept a baby as part
of the marriage contract is a negative attitude in marriage. Resorting
to a device which can be blamed rather than oneself if pregnancy does
occur constitutes a failure to accept self-reliance and the
responsibility of marriage and therefore constitutes another negative
factor. If the baby comes to be seen as a failure of the method, that
baby is in danger of elimination at an early stage of life. This
illustrates the sinister link between contraception and abortion. It is
a spurious argument which states that contraception is better than
abortion. Some so-called contraceptives are misnamed and operate to
procure the ending of new life. As well, all contraceptives and
abortifacients operate insidiously by eliminating the baby
psychologically from the minds and hearts of those who are engaging in
reproductive activities, and in this way strike at the heart of the
marriage commitment and weaken the bond. If the bond weakens, other
problems, unrelated to reproduction, remain unresolved and at last
become unbearable.

Some have argued that if couples are not married, they have a
responsibility not to allow their sexual activities to produce children
and in this way they justify contraception and even abortion. This has
even been praised as a social responsibility by those whose chief aim is
to prevent births. But it must always be remembered that the act of
intercourse will never be an act of love unless it is totally acceptable
with all its benefits as well as responsibilities. Men and women have a
natural desire to give themselves to each other completely when they are
truly in love. And when the gift is incomplete so is their love. This
leaves in each an emotional void which nothing can fill. There is no
other way than total commitment in order for man, woman and child to be
happy in one family.

There are those who say they use contraception and still love each
other. Contraception is often used because there is nothing better
known. It is true that people who use these methods are doing so to
solve a problem which is important and of course they do love each other
and are doing what they think is best. But when the information is given
about a natural method and people really do love each other, in the use
of the method they realise how much greater their love becomes. This has
been stated many times by couples who are glad to have their fertility
problems solved and are glad to be freed from the physical ills
associated with deviations from normal physiology. But they are
principally glad because their marriages have strengthened with a
happiness and security not experienced before. Over the world and over
the years, this is the most common comment.


Proper Perspective of the Conjugal Relationship


An attitude which has become an impediment to considering using natural
methods is that intercourse is a must, a necessity like food or air, and
therefore must be readily and instantly available. The orgasm has become
the modern Baal, the baby the human sacrifice. Unlike food or air which
are essential for the preservation of the lives of the individuals,
intercourse is essential for the life of another. The act of intercourse
is a powerful means of communication between men and women and the
Creator in both a positive and a negative sense. It is in the quality of
this communication in all its positive aspects that we find the full
flowering of the conjugal relationship. It is when the communication
lacks love and when the good of the beloved and acceptance of the child
cease to be the prime motivation in the act, that we see the most abject
misery in marriage and a spoiling of the Divine plan for the happiness
of mankind. This misery is born mostly by women but also by men.

Quite the reverse from "going against nature" as some would have it when
considering the abstinence involved in natural family planning, in all
ways the practice of responsibility conforms most fully with human
nature and encourages its full development both for man and woman. It
puts the act of love in a proper perspective, elevating it from a
self-orientated pleasure to be gratified, to a physical and emotional
demonstration of love for a chosen companion. By showing that it is
possible to defer intercourse during the fertile phase, when pregnancy
is deemed to be inappropriate, each can reassure the other that fidelity
is guaranteed. When absence, illness or in any of the many occasions in
married life when intercourse is impossible or undesirable between
husband and wife, they will know that each is loved and desired wholly,
not partially or physically desired only, but with due concern for the
sensitive heart of the other.

The waiting from time to time which is part of the routine of natural
family planning provides a physiological refreshment and an enhancement
of physical responses later on. It ensures the continuation of romance
and guards against the boredom of routine availability.


Rewards of Discipline


The discipline of waiting shows a husband that he is capable of waiting
because of love and good sense, when perhaps he has not been used to
waiting and has seen no value or sense in it or even believed that it
was possible. He surprises himself and when he is appreciated and
invited by his wife after the waiting, it is a revelation to a man who,
because of former insistent demands, may have experienced resistance or
even rejection by his wife. The complete reversal of attitude towards
each other after using this method has been seen many times, and in many
cases it is a very happy experience for a teacher to see the restoration
of a marriage which has been foundering.

There is usually much more love in a marriage that at first seems
evident to a teacher. It needs only encouragement and reassurance to
awaken this love and resolve by the husband and wife in order to restore
harmony. The husband and wife understand each other best of all and they
are their own best counsellors of each other. Of all people in the world
a man wants his wife to love him and his wife wants his love more than
any other.

Seeking a solution to the problem in an art)ficial method such as
sterilization or the Pill will not achieve the same result in this
relationship. This supposed solution which is solely directed towards
avoiding conception will ask nothing of the woman's husband. She will be
required to take the Pill or have a tubal ligation. Immediately a
valuable line of communication between them will be broken. Eliminating
her fertility will have the effect of making her available always but
also resentful. Removing the fear of pregnancy may be a temporary
relief, but in time this also compounds the resentment as a woman comes
to understand just what she has lost. Similarly vasectomy, if this is
the method chosen, very often expresses itself in loss of self-esteem as
in an ill-defined way it comes to be realized that their sexual
communication is now deficient. If incessant demanding has been the
problem, sterilization will not cure this. If rejection due to ignorance
has been the problem then careful teaching and reassurance by a natural
family planning teacher will enhance individual self-respect by a
demonstration of consideration of one for the other.

At the same time natural family planning will solve fertility problems
which are very often more imagined than are real. It is surprising how
Often it is seen that when a couple learns natural family planning and
finds that through their own efforts they can use it to control their
fertility their love for the child is engendered and it is not long
before they seek a pregnancy. This is sure proof of the success of the
methodÑa point of view not shared by those who judge all pregnancies as
failures, and whose only object is simply to reduce the number of
babies.

It is easy to relieve the ignorance surrounding reproductive biology.
The rules of the Ovulation Method which apply to the woman's
observations are easily understood and learned. It is possible to offer
reassurance concerning the effectiveness of the method based as it is on
secure scientific proof and world-wide and extensive field trials among
people of all societies and races. It is easy to encourage the couple
who want to solve their problems in the generous expression of love both
by waiting and inviting. Sometimes this, because it is a new idea, takes
time and patience, especially for the older couples where fear and
ignorance have displaced harmony and acceptance.


Teaching All but with Love


Teachers have learned to work on the good. In most relationships, apart
from the very young and immature and even then in some cases, true love
is operating and there is a real desire to achieve happiness for the
other person. No matter how unpromising things look, one is never
justified in taking a position of hopelessness. In the case of couples
who are unmarried we do not wait until things are perfect, until they
are married and fully committed. There is so much to learn and in the
process of learning to understand themselves and each other, developing
in the process self-esteem and respect, many take good decisions.
Sometimes if the relationship is one which merely exploits the other for
the sake of physical pleasure, the idea of abstinence is untenable and
so the partnership breaks up. That is a desirable outcome because
marriage will not sustain a one-sided and selfish attitude. There is no
place in such a partnership for a child.

Sometimes the conditions of the method are acceptable and the
relationship matures and flourishes so that in time a loving and
permanent commitment is made. Whatever the outcome great lessons are
learned which may only bear fruit in the future. The method always works
for good in a couple's lives -- maybe not instantaneously but certainly
enduringly. This is why teachers who are trained in patience as well as
technique are invaluable. They enjoy the ultimate success which is so
often achieved.

In the use of natural family planning total abstinence is never
necessary when a couple lives together. Some temporary conditions
necessitate temporary restraint. And the reasons for this are
understood. There is seldom any complaint about restrictions amongst
normal couples. Abnormalities discovered by the practice of making
careful observations are usually readily treated and cured. Being able
to recognize an abnormality is an added advantage of making natural
observations. In the use of contraception couples Often remain in
ignorance of their physiology and so abnormal signs go undetected until
later when the condition worsens and treatment becomes more difficult.

When people comment on the use of the method they Often comment on the
stability and happiness of their children and how they, the parents,
have learned to discipline their children, having learned first to
discipline themselves. In societies where sterilization is common, it is
a marked observation that children are indulged and undisciplined,
partly because parents know that if by misfortune they should lose them
they would never have children, and partly because they cannot bring
themselves to teach chastity to their children if they have eliminated
their own fertility for the sake of sexual freedom. They hesitate to
deny their living children anything because in a very real way, they
have denied life which a normal reproductive act might have given.

No matter what the religion or race of the couple, the method
contravenes no conscience or racial customs because most people have an
inherent desire to conform to what is natural and to express their
humanity as love since this is in human nature.


Preciousness of Fertility, Poignancy of Birth


Until relatively recent times fertility has been regarded by a race, by
tribes, by groups of people as a precious social commodity. It is still
precious, but owing to the propaganda of overpopulation, fertility has
come to be regarded as a liability for governments and this has been
reflected in the lives of the couples themselves. There is, however, in
the nature of human beings a natural tendency to preserve fertility. It
is a great strength of a natural method of fertility control that it is
employed to assist couples by recognizing the time of maximum fertility
to achieve a pregnancy especially when this has been denied for some
time. The inability to have a child is as great a grief now as it used
to be in Biblical times when the survival of the tribe was of paramount
importance and barrenness was regarded as a disgrace. That this misery
of couples without children has been exploited is one of the pities of
modern reproductive medicine. So Often, complicated and expensive
procedures have been resorted to and Often without success when the
simple instruction of one experienced woman to another provides the
essential information which results in a baby being born.

Pregnancy and birth are momentous events in a woman's life no matter
what the circumstances surrounding the conception of the child. Instead
of seeing the gates of Heaven open at the birth of her baby and
experiencing the meeting with the Creator in this moment of joy, an
untaught woman may only see the gown and masked obstetrician who has
judged that three children are more than enough for her and there he
stands, his scalpel in his hand. Or, she may see the vested cleric with
the smile of false compassion on his face and hear his judgment, "You
have done your bit". He who has removed the Creed from the Liturgy has
usurped the role of the Creator of heaven and earth and claims he is
motivated by love.

But this is not love. Love never takes the easy way, the broad highway.
It more often fights its way upwards along a thorny path. Different from
all the other situations where men and women find themselves battling on
alone, marriage involves a partnership of two. ln this conjugal
relationship are the opportunities for either great strengths and
satisfactions or abysmal failure and misery. The sexual relationship,
part of which is physical, plays a paramount role. The act of love is
designed principally for the expression of unity with the Creator who is
infinitely loving and wise. Because man and woman have been endowed with
the freedom of choosing to do the Creator's will, they are capable of so
choosing this sublime moment of birth.

At the moment of conception, God and new man meet. As the poet Henry
Vaughan expresses it so beautifully in his poem: "Ouickness":

"But life is what none can express A quickness which my God has kissed".

When man and woman acknowledge the Creator in His first meeting with
man, and acceptance of His infinite love pervades every marriage
unrestricted by perverse will, they can accept the gifts of this
Providence -- one of which is new life -- and respond to the trust and
privileges given. Then they come to experience the joy of their love for
each other and for their children in all its fullness and richness. The
natural regulation of fertility which so perfectly fits the gift of
human nature comes to be seen not as a burden heavily imposed, not just
as a duty joylessly undertaken, but as an act of the will upon which
turns not only married happiness but also the strength and security of
the whole family. Thus in our affairs of here and now God meets His
beloved creatures and shows His love as in Genesis, as in the times of
Abraham, of Moses and as in New Testament days when God in the person of
His Son walked the earth as the son of a human family. We recall God's
own words as He spoke to Abraham, "Is anything too wonderful for
Yahweh?".


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