Testimony 05: Self-Destruction

Denise Mountenay
By Melody
January 4, 2006
email: Erin.Pustay@IndeOnline.com
Reproduced with Permission
Canada Silent No More

My Name is Melody. I have three living children: Derek, Dezsarae and Naiomi. I have three aborted children whom I haven't named yet.

I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and didn't tell my parents until I was six weeks. They decided that the best solution would be to go to the hospital and have an abortion, I agreed. My friends thought it was the best too because we believed that it was a fetus… Not a baby. I had no counselling or education on the procedure or knowledge OF fetal development. I remember going to the hospital and after, thinking that was easy.

HOWEVER, Less than a month LATER depression AND GREAT SADNESS BEGAN TO set in. It seemed I didn't really care about my body anymore. I drank more and did harder drugs. I had many INTIMATE relationships. About half a year later I became pregnant again after missing my birth control pills so many times. I told the father and he said it was up to me, my decision. Which left me to believe THAT he really didn't care what happened to the baby OR ME. So I drank more, took SOME DRUGS AND WAS SELF DESTRUCTING. Not even considering the little child inside. I was deeply depressed. By the time I told my sister I was three months pregnant. We went to our family doctor and he told me that I would have to go to a clinic in the US. My baby was 12 weeks and I was awake for the whole procedure. It was horrible. I saw them tear my baby piece by piece out of my body.. Then I was sent on my way. I remember getting so wasted that night, all I wanted to do was DIE.

It wasn't long before the guilt surfaced and shame set in… I never talked about it to anyone. But in the same year I got pregnant again... I was determined to keep my baby THIS TIME. I wanted to replace the ones I destroyed. I gave birth to a baby boy. Because I never received any counselling I was trapped in the cycle of abortion abuse. I had three abortions before I was 25. I was in such pain and heavy bleeding after the third abortion that I could barely drive. So I stayed at a friends house. I was too ashamed to go back to the hospital.

Spiritually I was empty so I started searching different religions. I NEEDED to fill the void and deep regret OF ABORTION. Through years of searching I found a God who could forgive me and set me free from all the guilt. He filled that deep void. I found Jesus. I remember writing a song for my three unborn children. A love letter of regret and yet filled with the love of God that I was forgiven. I also believe abortion affected my relationship with my son who spent most of his youth in daycare because I couldn't FACE HIM, I FELT UNWORTHY TO BE A MOM. I needed HELP, HEALING AND GOD.

Years later I seen Denise Mountenay on the miracle channel and she shared her testimony. It brought me to tears again because I knew I wasn't the only one suffering. I knew I wanted to be a part of CSNM to be a voice for my children! I felt I had a purpose in my life and my unborn children did have a purpose, but they were killed before they had a chance. There are no accidents-no unplanned pregnancies with God…there is a purpose and a plan for everyone…Who knows maybe one of my aborted children could have found a cure for Aids, or could have been a doctor for life, or helped to feed the poor?

I still morn my three children. I know the truth now. It still pains me to know that my baby was 12 weeks old and could feel touch and could turn its head and sleep and wake up at certain times. And it was destroyed by my ignorance and lack of knowledge!

There is one thing that I could say to women thinking of having an abortion, don't do it! Get to know all the facts, get counselling. Talk to women who have been through this trauma. This is a life inside of you; this baby has a personal DNA as soon as it's conceived. This baby has been thought of by God before it was conceived, it is a spiritual being! Psalm 139. This baby has a right to live, just as you have a right to live.

There are so many other options, find out about them.

I know how much pain you feel, I know how much you hurt. I know the panic you feel when you get the news your pregnant! When it's unexpected. But I want you to think of this. Instead of thinking your pregnant, FOCUS ON THIS, YOU ARE having a baby!

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