Now that you have learned the "technical" side of natural family planning, it's important to discuss its human implications. We know for instance, that the temperature observation is no more a method in and of itself than is the observation of mucus. Both are tools; they are mirrors reflecting the state of fertility in the woman. The real method is periodic abstinence as guided by the available information. When people say that couples need to be especially motivated to follow natural family planning, what they're really saying is that periodic abstinence is not acceptable. One hardly needs to be more motivated to observe symptoms of fertility and take a morning temperature than do those who use contraceptives. All methods require a certain amount of motivation whether used at the time of intercourse, before intercourse or after intercourse. However, it seems that periodic abstinence is regarded as something very difficult to practice, something that only a certain few can live with.
Because this belief is widespread, we have always believed that when teaching the Sympto–Thermal Method of natural family planning that it is just as important to talk about attitudes regarding abstinence as it is to instruct on the techniques of the method. We have become very sensitive to the use of certain words in describing the phases of fertility which express negative attitudes toward periodic abstinence. For instance, when we explain the different phases of the cycle, some people will say, "When is it safe?" Or, "Is that when we can't have intercourse?" So, you see this negative word "can't". People can have intercourse whenever they like! They can be helped to recognize the fertile and infertile phases of the cycle but they cannot be told when to have and when not to have intercourse. Negative feelings in the practice of periodic abstinence are likely to show up if both the husband and wife somehow feel that it is the wife's fault if they cannot have intercourse. If the husband shows impatience because his wife's temperature is still in the pre–ovulatory phase, if the wife feels a need to apologize because of it, you can be sure that practicing periodic abstinence is not an enriching experience for that couple.
Although couples know theoretically that it takes a man and a woman to create a new life, some have little practical insight into what it may mean for them today or tomorrow. If, on the contrary, a couple know that tonight they are fertile together and if they are not prepared to accept the consequences of intercourse (potential new life) they may choose to abstain from this particular way of showing their love for each other. The famous American anthropologist Margaret Mead commenting on the wide use of the birth control pill said that whatever form of family planning acceptable for the future, it would have to be shared by both partners. "If it has to be a pill", she said, "then it will have to be broken in two. Both partners will have to swallow their half, otherwise resentment will occur." Clearly, resentment is a barrier to good communication.
Open communication is one of the most important factors in a marriage that is successful and it is essential that couples develop many different ways to communicate their feelings and their love. If intercourse is the ultimate way to express love, it is also true that it can express the ultimate in selfishness.
If intercourse is used as the only means of expression in a marriage, abstinence will be intolerable. It would be like taking food away from a hungry person. If other avenues of expression are explored, mutual understanding will grow and intercourse will become a privileged way of expression but not the only one. Tenderness, affection, solace, understanding, warmth, desire, comfort… almost any feeling can be conveyed to the partner by our senses. In our sex–saturated and obsessed society, it may seem a contradiction that couples find it difficult to experience love. A variety of books have appeared on the market telling us of the importance of touching, of censorial relaxation. The purpose of these publications is to teach that communication is possible and is pleasurable without necessarily conveying a message to perform.
The integrated couple believe that a complete person is one who has a deep and abiding sense of the importance of working, playing and praying. They look at abstinence as an integral part of their total relationship, recognizing that it helps them develop a total appreciation for each other. During the time of abstinence, they have controlled physical contact with each other. A couple can learn, through communication with each other, to develop a non–frustrating, slower pace of touch and physical closeness appropriate to the fertile phase of the cycle.
They strive to achieve the love Paul discusses in 1 Corinthians, 13:4–7, when he explains:
Love is patient and kind
Love is not jealous, or conceited or proud
Love is not ill–mannered, or selfish or irritable
Love does Dot keep a record of wrongs
Love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth
Love never gives up; its faith, hope and patience never fail
One couple, when asked what they do during the time of abstinence said, "We do what we usually do, except we don't have intercourse. We have grown together and abstinence is really no big deal." This couple appreciate the many ways in which love can be expressed. They realize the phoniness of the person whose only understanding of making love is to have intercourse. They have developed an appreciation for the various dimensions of their love.
The couple who has learned to appreciate the value of abstinence also discovers an overall growth in their personalities. The one who learns to control sexual impulses is aided in an effort to control several other impulses and deal constructively with some of the other challenges faced in life.
An appreciation for abstinence can help a couple develop a deeper sense of trust. A husband and wife know that if they can contain the desire to have intercourse with each other, each will be able to control promiscuous urges during times of separation. The couple committed to this way of lie realizes that intercourse is a total, not simply genital release.
A deeper respect for the true meaning of sexuality grows for the couple accepting abstinence and suggestive magazines and pornographic movies that debase the gift of sexuality are usually avoided.
And, it follows quite naturally that if one develops a deeper appreciation for others, for the total meaning of the conjugal embrace, one's spiritual growth will be deepened. Couples for whom periodic abstinence is a positive experience appreciate the loving that goes on during the days of abstinence from intercourse. Some wives have said that periodic abstinence has helped them discover the true person of their husband, helped build admiration for him and made them both better lovers.