As I write this, it marks the 8th anniversary of my crisis pregnancy and the abortion that ended the pregnancy but ignited a story of long-term grief.
In the fall/winter of 1997 I was 21 years old and was living somewhat independently. By no means was I financially secure. I had recently graduated college and was struggling to find a job while working at various menial jobs. Also a part of my life was an unhealthy, unsecured relationship with a man of similar stature. At this time I was lead to believe that he was sterile - so pregnancy was the least of my concerns. Believing that was my first mistake. Shortly after this relationship was consummated I was very surprised to find out I was pregnant. When I told the fellow, who was the father there were no promises made. He suddenly had a very uncaring attitude towards me and told me that I was on my own. I didn't hear from him again for quite some time. During this time I was filled with a lot of fear of what the future was going to hold for the baby I was carrying and me. I was plagued by worries about financial needs as well as physical and emotional. I was just plain scared.
Even during that period of fear, I felt hope. I was excited and awed at the prospect of having a baby and becoming a mother. I wasn't really aware of any potential options so I felt that maybe it would all be okay, and work out. After all I was 21 yrs old - an adult. So in all reality I should be able to manage my life and that life of the baby that was alive in my womb. However I was still scared and in all honesty when a person is scared that can eventually suck them dry of all hope. That fear was overwhelming, at times I wondered:
"How can I look after a baby and myself when my life seems to be spiraling out of control…."
Since it was the end of November I was able to busy myself with Christmas preparations and visiting with friends and family. The whole time though I was concerned with my pregnancy. I had chosen to wait to tell my family of my pregnancy until after Christmas - I didn't want to burden them during the festive season.
Christmas came and went, on Boxing Day as I was having lunch with my parents I blurted out that I was pregnant. I don't think I'll ever forget the looks of shock and disappointment on their faces. What could have been (and in all likely-hood should have been) exciting and joyful news was a huge disappointment to them. They were disappointed that I didn't take proper care and precaution. I'm pretty sure they felt shame and impending embarrassment that their daughter was single and pregnant. My parents were also afraid for me. Afraid of what an un-planned pregnancy would do to my life and the hopes and dreams of my future. That day seemed to be played out in a slow motion of heavy silence. I had envisioned a different reaction from my family. I had envisioned the disappointment. However I had also envisioned some support and reassurance. I had dreamed that after the initial shock there would be some excitement and joy for the impending birth of a baby - their grandchild. None of this happened.
Instead, the disappointment lingered. Through this disappointment I felt alone, frightened and insecure with what was happening to my life and me. After a while, my mom started to gently influence me to have an abortion. I was told it would be "okay" and that "lots of women have them" and "it's normal". After enough influencing I was convinced that having an abortion was the only solution to this pregnancy. The day I went to the doctor, I felt so unsure of this decision. I knew in my heart that I didn't want to have an abortion. However I was at a loss of what to do. Everyone I trusted expressed to me that abortion was the answer. Even with all the outside influences I knew in the depths of my soul that abortion was not a solution. I was scared. I so desperately wanted someone to hug me and tell me that everything would be okay. I wanted someone to offer reassurance that I was capable of being a mother and that it would be all right. Instead I tearfully requested an abortion. The doctor quietly nodded her head and left the examination room to make the referring phone call. Why didn't she ask me if I was sure? Why didn't she offer me some other options? Instead, she came back a few moments later and handed me an appointment card with the date and time I was to see the OB/GYN that would perform the abortion.
The next few days were a blur. I constantly questioned my decision. Silently wishing someone would interfere and tell me "NO - STOP YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS!". Instead there was silence. Everyone close to me was just pretending this wasn't happening. So, I was alone feeling scared and forsaken carrying this baby in my womb that no one wanted but me. Yet I was made to feel that I shouldn't want this child and that I must do something to get rid of the "evidence and problem". Then on January 15, 1998 I found myself sitting in the office of the doctor I was referred to. He calmly explained to me that these things happen every day and abortion is normal and a perfectly good solution to an unplanned pregnancy. I silently wondered how this man could tell me these things. This same doctor delivers babies every week. During this consultation he preformed an internal examination, of which was very uncomfortable bordering on painful. I was left wondering if he was careless or "rough" because this pregnancy didn't matter. I wondered if he examined the patients that were carrying their babies to term in such a brusque rushed manner. Afterwards, he continued in his consult. I wondered how he could sit there and tell me that it would be okay for me to end a life. He explained to me that it would be worse for me to be a "poor single mother". I was told that I would not have the means to raise this child properly. He even told me that it is very difficult for single mothers to find boyfriends or husbands because they don't want to raise someone else's child. With the help of this doctor I was made to feel that I was stuck in a deep mess with only one way out, and that way was abortion. So I tearfully and reluctantly agreed to have an abortion. Dr. Dale slotted me in to have my abortion the very next morning. I was very surprised that I would be scheduled so soon! I even stated my surprise to the doctor. His blunt reply was that if you wait too long it gives the mother too long to think about it and she would possibly make a decision to keep the baby which she may later regret. He also said if I waited much longer it would be much more dangerous to my health to have the abortion. He explained to me that there were risks involved, those risks being heavy bleeding and infection. I left that appointment feeling worse than ever before. I felt horrible for getting myself into such a situation. And, I felt that if I chose anything else besides abortion that I would be contributing to the dregs of society. I believed and trusted the authority and advice given by this doctor.
So the next day, January 16, 1998 my mom dutifully took me to the hospital to have the abortion that would take the life of my baby. I was filled with dread the whole morning. I felt so sad and unsure. I still had that silent hope that someone would come and rescue me. When it came right down to the time to prep me for surgery I balked. I ran out of day surgery. I didn't know where I was going to go. I had visions of hiding…and just running away. However, my mom came after me. She sat with me in the foyer/waiting area of the hospital. She was silent for a while, and then she gently said, "Evelyn this is the right thing to do". I thought to myself, this is my mom, I trust her'. So I expressed my doubt to her. I told her that I really didn't want to do this. My mom suggested that we talk with the doctor again. We went and met with him in his office. Dr. Dale again expressed with annoyance that abortion was the best option in this instance. He also expressed annoyance that he was ready for surgery and now he would have scrub again. I felt like such a nuisance. I felt dumb for interrupting the process at the last minute before the procedure. But, all my maternal instincts were going haywire. Again, I reluctantly agreed that this abortion would be the answer. So I went back to be prepped for surgery. I was wheeled into the OR on a gurney still wondering if this was right…and waiting for someone to rescue me. The next thing I knew I awoke in the recovery room feeling physically uncomfortable and an indescribable emptiness. I almost panicked while lying there on the hospital gurney. I felt so alone as I thought to myself:
"Oh my, what have I done?"
I even looked down between my legs to my pubic area and when I saw blood I immediately thought:
"Oh No! It's over…there is no more hope of being rescued"
January 16, 1998 marked the beginning of grief in my life as well as heavy regret. I left the hospital feeling only a fleeting moment of relief that was immediately followed by grief and regret. I spent over two weeks at my parent's house physically recovering from this abortion. Before I ventured back to my own apartment. I had immense abdominal discomfort for days, as well as heavy bleeding for 3 weeks, which lightened but still flowed for a total of 8 weeks. I didn't have any other immediate physical complications. However I did start to heavily drink alcohol. This was my drug of choice and is how I numbed my pain and regret. I would drink alcohol every day, even the days of my worst hangovers I would continue to drink. I then embarked on a newly promiscuous lifestyle. I would accept any attention from any man. I'm not sure why this happened; I just know I was not behaving in this extreme manner before the abortion. During those dark months after my abortion I had bouts of sadness, depression and increased anxiety marked with low self-esteem and anger. I was sad for the baby I didn't get to have. I grieved that life. I was angry with me for not standing up for the baby and myself. I was angry that I chose the easy way out of a difficult situation. I still felt alone. I felt that it was not acceptable for me to grieve, and that it was un-necessary because I chose this route, so why should I grieve? But the grief was still silently present in my life. I had a very difficult time being around babies and pregnant women. This made me feel extremely uncomfortable and only reminded me of the pregnancy I had, and the baby I could have had. It cut the grief harder and deeper into my heart. The abortion not only affected my own emotions, but it also affected my relationship with my mother. Even if I didn't want to admit it, there was a difference in our relationship. I had a cold resentment towards her. I didn't express this outwardly, but I felt it inwardly. I suddenly didn't feel like sharing so much of myself with her. It has only recently become better and it is too bad that it has taken 8 years.
For the following six months after the abortion every time I got my period I would despise it. The flow would be very heavy and I would ache terribly from my lower back to my toes. My periods were not like that before the abortion. Slowly they regulated, and went back to normal. However, six months after my abortion I discovered my first lump in my right breast. This was very scary for me. That first lump was red and painful but slowly diminished after a week. Now it has become a cycle, every so often I have lumps in both my left and right breasts. I have seen doctors about this and have had ultrasounds and mammograms. Both procedures indicate benign lumps. To me though it is another sign that I was influenced to chose to do something that was not good for my health or well being. Now there are countless medical studies that indicate there is a direct link between abortion and breast cancer. The most recent being found published in the winter edition of the Journal of American Physicians and Surgeons; the findings were compiled by Joel Brind, Ph.D., president of the Breast Cancer Prevention Institute and a professor at Baruch College of the City University of New York. Brind's paper is an update of a similar analysis he completed in 1996. Some days I'm afraid what the future will hold for me. Cancer is not something anyone would choose for themselves, yet unwillingly thousands of women may be choosing cancer every day by choosing to have abortions. Sadly, most of these women will not be told of the breast cancer connection.
The last 8 years have been an up hill battle for me. I have gotten married and have had a son. Whom I absolutely adore. But because my emotions were raw for so long after having my abortion I'm sure it affected the early years of my marriage and also affected my pregnancy and relationship with my son. My subsequent pregnancy was long and full of complications. I had severe migraines through out my entire pregnancy. Out of 280 days of pregnancy at least half of those days I suffered full-blown migraines. I attribute this to unbalanced hormones due to my abortion. Also, when it came time to give birth I labour had to be induced, because it didn't start on its own. Then the labour didn't progress because my cervix was not dilating. I had to have intravenous hormones to progress my labour and delivery that was hard on my son and myself. So difficult in fact my son did not breathe after being born and had to be rushed to neo-natal ICU to be place in oxygen. I wasn't able to see him for the first 3 hours of his life. Thankfully he came through, and is a very healthy 6 year old. Regarding my relationship with my son, for the first two years I struggled with letting this child close to me. I wanted desperately to be a good mother. I loved my son very much - but for some reason I felt distance, like I wasn't allowing myself to be emotionally close to him. I sometimes felt increased anger towards myself because I proved to myself that I could have and care for a child. It reinforced the fact that I made a mistake by ending my first pregnancy. This hindered the beginning stages of our relationship.
I have come a long way in my healing journey. Friends and family can a test to that fact. I have learned to forgive. It has been an extreme healing journey and I have learned that there is hope in every crisis! I have come through some heavy counseling that has helped me to grieve my abortion and come to terms with my abortion. It has helped heal all relationships with those that are close to me. Namely, those with my mom, husband and son. There is now an indescribable closeness that I now share with my son, I have let him into my heart and love him fiercely, like any mother should. For that I am thankful. Even with all the progress I have made, every year in the month January I am reminded and grieve the abortion I had and the child that could have been.
However I feel for the countless women in this world still grieving the losses of their children. I feel sadness for all the women who may not experience a happy ending such as mine. I feel sadness for all the women who have embarked on a destructive life-style pattern after their abortions; I feel sadness for the women who are feeling depressed and suicidal because of their abortions. I feel sadness for the women who may lose their life because of having an abortion. It is my sincere hope that women all around Canada and the world would not succumb to the detrimental effects of abortion. It is my hope and desire that support, teaching, and counseling become available to women who find themselves in crisis pregnancies so they can make informed decisions based on truth and not influence and coercion.
I would like to make note of the fact that in my abortion circumstance I feel the truth was withheld from me regarding the various detrimental health effects that abortion attributes to. It is documented on my medical records that the complications had been fully explained. Well let me tell you that the only complications I was warned of were excessive bleeding, abdominal discomfort and fever. I was also warned that single mothers do not make good mothers, and cannot provide fully for their children. I was not warned of all the physical risks such as the direct link between abortion and cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, breast cancer and pelvic inflammatory disease, endometriosis, embolism, cervical injury, ripping or perforation of the uterus, convulsions, hemorrhage, cervical injury, endotoxic shock, chronic abdominal pain, vomiting, gastro-intestinal disturbances, Rh sensitization, high risk of complications in subsequent pregnancies such as placenta previa, ectopic pregnancy, labour complications, neo-natal death and handicaps, and of course DEATH. As well I was definitely not warned of the emotional complications attributed to abortion such as, sleep disturbances, heavy regret, nervous disorders, suicidal thoughts and attempts, substance abuse, promiscuity, eating disorders, child abuse and neglect, sexual dysfunction, anxiety & panic, grief, repeat abortion, numbness, denial, general emotional disarray. Thankfully I have not succumbed to all the effects listed. Some of those ill effects could still attack my health and well being in the future.
My goal in writing this, and becoming active in pro-life circles is to get the truth about abortion out in the open, and in the public eye. The dis-service and un-justice of abortion has been going on far too long in Canada and the World. Studies back up that that 80 percent of women who abort feel pressured and coerced into having abortions. I fell into that category and it is a major issue that goes against every women's basic human rights. Not to mention that this also violates the human rights of the mother's unborn child. Life begins at conception. We are all products of conception whether we are dead or alive. Every baby that is conceived has the right to life, and the mother has the very basic right of carrying that baby full term and giving birth to a healthy child.
Unfortunately my first child was not afforded that very basic right to life. I am directly referring to the life that was taken when my child was aborted on January 16, 1998. I as the mother was unjustly informed and because of that my 1st child was killed in my womb in 1998 in Huntsville ON by an abortion provided by Dr. Dale OB/GYN. Therefore that act was a direct violation according to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR).
I now have a fierce appreciation for Crisis Pregnancy Centers and other organizations such as Canada Silent No More. These organizations have a very important role to play in our society. I know that from personal experience and I know that if I had access to one 8 years ago the outcome may have been different. All the volunteers and supporters play a key role in helping to provide truth, support and real options to those faced with a crisis pregnancy situation. They uphold everyone's basic human rights! Everyone supporting these organizations help to save lives.
Praise Jesus!
Isaiah 61:1-3
Psalm 139:12-14