Sex and Love are not the same
Q⁄A on Human Sexuality for Teenagers

John Ooi Peng Lee
Master of Engineering, University of Singapore
Master in Education, University of Manchester
Reproduced with permission.

Relationship, Love and Sexuality

Question 9:

I can feel our love for each other growing deeper each day. Will having sex help our love grow even stronger?

Answer 9:

Sex doesn't make love, that is, having sex will not necessarily improve your relationship. We are all sexual beings. However, we are more than just being physically male or female.


Our sexuality includes all the mental, emotional and spiritual characteristics associated with being male or female. The way you think, feel, behave, react - these are all affected by your being male or female. You interact with and build up your relationship with another person as a complete, sexual person. In other words, you must learn to relate to, and to complement each other mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It is best to develop a relationship by focussing on these aspects of sexuality first. Only if you have developed a great relationship and love for each other, and sealed that love in marriage, will sexual intercourse truly help to strengthen and deepen your love further. An unmarried couple involved in a sexual relationship is likely to see their relationship remain at a shallow, physical level. They will then get bored with each other after the initial attraction has died away.

Sex and Love are not the same

It is important to know that sex and love are not the same. Sexual intercourse can be an expression of real love, as it often is in married couples who have exchanged promises to love each other for the rest of their lives. On the other hand, there can be sexual intercourse without love, as in prostitution or rape. Sometimes, young people choose to have sex before marriage hoping that this will make their love grow. But this seldom comes true, and having sex without having made a commitment to each other in marriage can create more problems. Sex can become a selfish, pleasureseeking activity that does not build up the couple's relationship. The couple may even be fooled by the pleasant intense feelings into believing that they love each other more than they really do. Sooner or later, they then discover that they are not ready to make the sacrifices necessary to build up their relationship.

There can also be love that is not expressed in sexual intercourse, as in a man who chooses to remain faithful to his wife who has been paralysed in an accident. A couple who are not yet married would be wise not to complicate their relationship with sex, but to concentrate on developing their relationship further in other important areas.