Summary: A child is a joy to watch as he or she plays freely in a field, rolling down the hill, laughing and smiling. All adults need to have this side of their personality in raising their children. Many of us have forgotten how to be children. But there is another kind of childish behavior which disrupts and destroys our homes ... actions such as pouting and blaming, yelling, and physically acting out rage when we don't get our way. When St. Paul wrote his famous chapter in Corinthians on the meaning of love, he concluded the descriptions by saying that now that he was an adult, he had no more use for childish ways. Can we as fathers say that about the love we show our family? In this sermon we will look at some of these behaviors which Paul was referring to, but more importantly, cover how the Holy Spirit can help us grow up as fathers.
Sometimes it's difficult for children to imagine that their fathers were once children. That is until they romp with him in a touch football game or see him jump up and down as he catches a fish with a cane pole. These are signs of the child inside dad coming out. Of course there are other signs our children observe of the child within us, aren't there? For instance, when Dad's lawnmower won't work and he jumps up and down kicking the mower in a pouting anger. Or, all kids have witnessed this one: Mom and Dad have had an argument and Dad didn't win. So he just doesn't talk to Mom for the next two days. We call this childish behavior. It is the opposite of what we refer to as mature behavior.
James Dobson, in one of his books on childrearing, interviewed a number of 8-10 year olds in order to figure out how they looked at the world around them. He gave them each a sheet and asked them to complete six statements beginning with the words, "Parents are people who." They were to list three good things and three bad things about parents. One young man, typical of most of the kids, wrote the following:
Now for the not so good!
Dr. Dobson then had them make a list of what they did when they didn't get their way. Almost unanimously, they listed things like: 1. I throw things; 2. I beat up my little brother or sister; and 3. I stop talking to anybody. He completed his study by asking them what they would do when they got to be an adult. One response which represented most was: "I will make sure nobody ever tells me what to do again." Second to that response were comments like: "Make sure nobody ever makes me feel bad about myself."
Consider this young man 15-20 years later. He is now a father with a small baby. He is an adult now, right? So according to the words of St. Paul, he has no more use for childish thoughts and actions like hitting, yelling, pouting, and blaming. Because he is a chronological adult, his love for his wife is patient and kind, gentle and giving, it is not irritable or rude. Right? I wish that I could say growing into an adult on the outside makes us grow up on the inside. But we know better, don't we? Most couples I counsel are in their 20's or 30's on the outside but are about 10 to 12 or 13 on the inside.
Go with me for a moment into the home of this young couple with the small child. Both of them are working all day. Mom picks up the baby at the sitter then stops at the grocery store on the way home. She is exhausted. But then so is dad. He has been working since 6 a.m. As she walks in the door, she sees dad sitting on the couch watching the sports channel. I know a lot of wives can't understand why guys like to sit and watch some football game for three hours. But then men can't understand why a lot of wives like to watch soaps either. I heard about this husband who asked his wife: "Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary woes of people you have never met?" To which the wife replied: "For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown."
Anyhow, the wife is hoping the husband will get up from the couch and offer to help her carry in the groceries. But no, he just stays there drinking his Pepsi. Of course, when he came home earlier, he cleaned up the house, made the beds, and did the dishes, so he is waiting for her to notice his efforts and thank him. Neither will say what they want because then it doesn't mean anything. So the wife is hurt and feels like he doesn't care. He feels unappreciated and like she doesn't care. But now enters the child. How do both handle their feelings of rejection? They pout. They withdraw all the way through supper and throughout the rest of the evening. They go to bed with their backs to each other.
More marriages end up in divorce court because of this kind of behavior than because of affairs or abuse. I heard about this couple who made a decision to never go to bed mad. They said they hadn't had any sleep for three weeks.
Anyhow, by the next night they may be in a better mood but they're not close. The child that pouted still remembers and the next time a similar event happens each will record the hurt or anger in their emotional journal.
They are adults in their body. They may even be born again Christians, spirit filled, regular church attenders. But emotionally they are in bondage to the child of their past.
And this is what St. Paul is addressing when he says, when I was a child, I spoke and thought and acted like a child. But now that I am a man or woman, I have no more use for childish ways, or another version says, I have put away childish things. He says this after he has given God's description of how love is supposed to function in a relationship. He then concludes by bringing up the main reason God's love does not control many relationships ... because the childish thoughts and words and actions keep getting in the way.
We make a mistake when we think that only two people marry. We say, "the two shall become one." That's fine, but the trouble is that four people marry and sometimes things get crowded around the house. There are two adults and there are the two children of the past. It's perfectly all right as long as the adults are running things. But home is where we relax, where we let ourselves go and become again those children of the past. When all four start acting according to their differing family backgrounds, the fun really begins.
The chief areas where these four clash are money, respect of each other's opinions, sex, and the discipline of children.
It was interesting to watch a special segment of 20-20 Friday night about this marriage center which films couples for 24 hours and then analyzes the couples' chances for a successful marriage or the potential for major problems. The head psychiatrist says they look for what he calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" as sure signs of potential trouble. 1. Blaming-, 2. Contempt; 3. Criticism; and 4. Withdrawal. All childish attitudes and behavior. He made the statement that love cannot grow or flourish where these are present. And that is exactly what St. Paul is sharing.
I realize this sermon could be addressed to both mothers and fathers but to be absolutely honest, most fathers have more difficulty controlling their childish behavior in the home than do mothers. More than one mother in counseling has referred to her husband as one more child she has to mother. By the time our children have grown into teens in a home where dad exhibits childish behavior like pouting, blaming, and yelling to get his way, is it any wonder the teens also show such childish behavior?
What are we to do? That is the good news for Christians. St. Paul says that through the power and the truth of the Holy Spirit we can do away not with the child in us, but with childish attitudes and behavior. The Greek word Paul uses here for do away with is Katargeo, which meant in the original language: "To put away, to render inoperative, inactive, or powerless, to remove the meaning and significance from, to cause a person to be free from something that has been binding him."
Listen to the last phrase: "To cause a person to be free from something that has been binding him." What better place to be set free than in the most important relationship of our life next to our love for Jesus Christ.
Katargeo is a strong verb, and putting it into practice requires great effort and struggle if we are to emerge from the fight victorious and grown up. Childish behavior such as pouting or picking a fight, or yelling, or withdrawing, don't simply fall away by themselves as dead leaves fall from a tree. We have to put them away, Katargeo them, and be finished with childish things.
So how do we begin? Well, we need a counselor, a helper who can help us to identify the childish parts of us that keep causing trouble. God says that is the Holy Spirit ... the one who leads us into all truth ... the one who walks beside us. AA can help us here. The sixth step of AA says simply: "I am willing to have God remove all my moral defects of character." In this case we can begin by telling the Holy Spirit, "I am willing to have you show me and Katargeo all the childish attitudes and behaviors present in my marriage."
The second step is a little more painful. We must ask our spouse to help us by sharing what they have observed about ways we pout and withdraw and blame. Understand spouses, that if your husband or wife asks you to share, this is not the time to dump every memory of every time they have been childish. That's called keeping score and that is not loving. Keep the conversation on the issue. It's like the husband who said, "but dear, if we buy a new car, how will we pay for it?"
"Well," she responded, "Let's not confuse the issue by considering two problems at the same time."
Between the Holy Spirit and our spouse we will come up with a list of attitudes and behaviors which we need to bring out into the light and expose them to the cleansing power of God's healing.
When you have admitted, confessed these are true, then take a next step and decide to stop expecting your spouse to be a mind-reader and figure out what you need when you pout. Tell them honestly and lovingly, "I need ...." they may or may not be able to meet that need, but it surely beats withdrawing because you've decided they don't care about your needs.
This is a spiritual process and may take several weeks to see any major healing. But as each spouse starts facing these behaviors and asking the Holy Spirit to Katargeo them, rather than blaming the spouse and withdrawing, there will be healing and a new freedom which allows God's love to grow and multiply. And our children will have a model of what we all hope and pray they will learn in our home: adult, mature love.